Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
when someone compliments me
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Good point.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’