Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes