Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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Thursday Thought.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great