Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.