Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Brb my Sims are getting married
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Life is a suicide mission.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach