Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

#ProTip

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

😐

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?