Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
(True)
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.