Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?