Coffee for people with no kids
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
guys I’m going home
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]