Coffee for people with no kids
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
There are usually two types of merchants.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug