Coffee for people with no kids
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Happy thanksgiving!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”