Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
yes… yes…
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito