Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

😂😂

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

secret recipe

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Passed by a old school Math example today.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.