Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
choose your gary
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.