Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

is it too early for christmas memes

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you