Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion