Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

A roof is a house hat.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??