Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators