Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese