Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me 2 months after i graduated

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

some things should go without saying

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

drew a comic about my origin story

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.