Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

most whales are bigger than a strawberry