Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self