Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.