Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*