Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.