Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

peep davidson

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

philosophical skeletons be like

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man