Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
rip to my favourite tweet
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*