Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Who says great literature is dead?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower