Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Blocked: 1985
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
This kid will have a bright future.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss