Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.