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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year