[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You Might Also Like
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Guilty! 🤪
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?