Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

🤣

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.