Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

🤣🤣🤣

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.