Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

courtroom exchange of the day

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*