[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
😏😏😏
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
hi why am I like this
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine