Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

The news is so predictable nowadays

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

Ion see the issue

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave