Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

the three branches of government

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.