Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

How does one answer this?

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.