[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

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More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america


Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.


Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.


I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone


Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.


A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.


you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school


If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.


The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.


No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.