[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
You Might Also Like
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I would like even faster food.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing