@FrazzleMyGimp

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

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@BraandoCommando

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

@ravenswng_

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

@Tmoney68

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

@Real_Dick_Head

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@RedRegenerated

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’