[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.


ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive


Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


Cop pulled me over said “papers”
I replied with “scissors, I win” and drove off.
Now I’m doing hard time on the rock.


And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.


If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.


“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.


“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months


People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.