@FrazzleMyGimp

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

You Might Also Like

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

@FunnyBison

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@2014longview

Cop pulled me over said “papers”
I replied with “scissors, I win” and drove off.
Now I’m doing hard time on the rock.

@ImFunnyMang

And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.

@MrAdamBez

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don’t see the point of money.

@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

@DanMentos

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

@YourAnMoron

People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.