@FrazzleMyGimp

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

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@fro_vo

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

@JohnLyonTweets

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

@3sunzzz

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

@MaraWritesStuff

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@hiitsmolly

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

@heykarlin

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

@jdbalani

The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

@mdob11

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.