[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob