Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way