Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Good for him.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.