Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
