Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
What number SPF blocks people?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…