Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
They’re really bad with fonts.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
