Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

ㅤ

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom