Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Netflix and awkward silence?

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*