Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

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Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.