Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline