Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.