Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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me when somebody idk start touching me
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore