Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right