Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves