Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.