Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
sugar glider wrangler
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good