Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

per my last wtf

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech