Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Air conditioning – not a fan

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!