Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Whoa 😂

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Salad is the decaf of food.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman: