Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

a god among men

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea