Cold.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I have a new favorite meme page
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”