Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.