*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Bit chilly again tonight.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior