@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

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@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@TomTheWicked

*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*

*tweets*

*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

@_salt_n_lime

Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

@Monicann86

I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

@mack44_d

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.