is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
What about a To-Don’t List?
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.