*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m dying louder than usual today.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.