*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
You Might Also Like
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
So the ex texted me
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!