*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.