Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I think I’m gonna be sick

but that was my emotional support daylight

consequences, the bane of my existence

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.