cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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I have never related to a cat more
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
making my dog give me my pills
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….