cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
#CatsOnTwitter
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Saw your ex at the shops
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.