cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me