cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
You Might Also Like
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
dutch so unserious
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials