Cold.
You Might Also Like
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
nature’s most graceful animal
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Worth remembering.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.