Cold.
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.