“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The news in a nutshell.
Follow me for more life hacks.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.