“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.