“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!