I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical