Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

This is not me but this is me

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.