All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.